rightandthreequarters-worthy

What does the quest for happiness entail? Well, let me tell you, it sure as hell isn’t always happiness. There are fortunate masses that find nothing but guaranteed pain. You search for the perfect situation, the perfect love, without ever knowing that you will SURELY have it in your grasp. You sign all the contracts without reading the fine print. You don’t care. You know that whatever is at the end of that quest is worth all the damages.

But then, what happens when there is no winning moment. No prize? You find that the search brought you more pain than you ever imagined, and not enough Vicodin to heal a damn thing. You try to figure out the issue. Where you went wrong. Maybe you came across it and left it behind not knowing what it was, then packed up all your shit and backtracked, running rampant back to that same spot only to find that whatever it was, whovever it was, is long gone, leaving no foot prints in the dusty trail. Miles and miles away from here. There. Wherever you are is where it is not. You’ll grimace more than you smile, groan more than you moan, and that’s just sad little truth of it all, honey. Sorry.

One thing I know though…

I’m a pathetic excuse for a me.

I don’t know who me is.

I don’t know where the pain comes from.

I don’t have one thing that helps me relax.

I don’t know how to give up.

I don’t know how to lick wounds, and I’ve never allowed anyone to try to lick them for me.

I wait all the time for some feeling. Some uplifting cloud nine sudden awareness of the world. Of myself. I thought that after the insecurities and fights and scars and long lost words and endless disappointments on my journey, it would finally happen. I would look up and there it would be. My happiness on a silver plated platter, my name engraved, the words “It was worth it” in raised calligraphy.

That shit doesn’t come. People die unhappy.

If you were looking for some divine intervention, darling, prepare for the news headlines:

Find Your Own Goddamned Happiness.

Back to square one, love.